In My Forties I Found Out I Have ADHD— Maybe You Do Too

KATHERINE BINDLEY

They say one way to grab someone’s attention is with a startling piece of data, so get this: Four women were having espresso martinis in San Francisco this past fall. Three were diagnosed with ADHD, or attention-deficit/ hyperactivity disorder, as adults. The fourth just assumes she has it.

Are you, or is someone you know, “so ADD”? Welcome to the club. I don’t actually endorse membership. I say this as someone who learned a year ago, in my forties, that I have ADHD (though I sometimes say I’m neurodivergent since it sounds cooler than having a “disorder” that affects my attention, my emotions and where my keys, credit card and driver’s license are at any given moment).

Actual statistics on ADHD are indeed pretty staggering: a 2024 survey found that 25% of adults suspect they have it. The fastest growing cohort being diagnosed is adult women. From 2020 to 2022, the diagnosis rate nearly doubled among women aged 23 to 49.

So are doctors just out there ripping Adderall and Vyvanse scripts off their little pads and tossing them up in the air like confetti? Are Instagram algorithms poisoning the masses by rattling off symptoms associated with ADHD that most people have to some extent—like having a hard time motivating to do laundry? Social media is one of the most commonly used sources for mental health information. Posts about ADHD on TikTok have been viewed somewhere in the neighborhood of 28 billion times (one study found half of the most popular ADHD videos on the platform were misleading).

Maybe, as certain people have suggested to me, we’re all a little ADD. Some researchers have moved away from considering ADHD a fixed condition and look at it as existing on a continuum.

After a year of reading books, listening to podcasts and meeting with various medical professionals, I can say this: most people have a pretty poor understanding of ADHD (my former self included). I’d always found the frenetic energy of ADHD people annoying. Oops! But once you learn what ADHD is and the brain functions it affects, you start to understand why so many people—especially women—are overlooked and only find out when their children are being evaluated My own diagnosis came under stranger circumstances: on vacation, in a shared van going from Mexico City to San Miguel de Allende. After two hours of silence, boredom kicked in. So I struck up a conversation with Jane, a clinical psychologist from Toronto. Eventually, we dug into my love life. She noticed I seemed sensitive to rejection. Does anyone like being rejected, I wondered? No, but my sensitivity sounded more intense. Had I ever been evaluated for ADHD? I think I laughed out loud.

I’d noticed the impact of technology on my attention but I’d always thought of myself as overly focused, fixated on things even. I once stayed up until 2 a.m. reading Ted Kennedy’s testimony about what happened at Chappaquiddick— and that was after I’d spent hours solving the Martha Moxley murder. I now know the psychological term for this intensity is hyperfocus, and it’s common in people with ADHD. I googled ADHD symptoms back at my hotel. The initial results didn’t describe me: difficulty holding down a job; impulsive; unfinished projects; car accidents; a life of chaos! Then there was an eerily familiar portion: indecisiveness, losing things, frequently late, forgets appointments, impatient, hyperverbal, intense emotions.

The evaluation I scheduled when I got back home was illuminating. My verbal and pattern recognition skills were off the charts. But my working memory and attention were at the low end of average. This lopsidedness, coupled with answers to some 500 personality and behavioral questions, indicated neurodivergence.

Researchers have yet to determine the exact causes of ADHD but studies show a substantial genetic vulnerability and the condition often runs in families. Typical ADHD behavior teachers look out for in kids includes fidgeting, running around, not listening and not sitting still. In other words, traits you’d associate with a restless boy.

Today, researchers know that ADHD often presents differently in girls, who are more likely to be found staring out a window, daydreaming. I was more the type to interrupt class with jokes but I rarely got in trouble (girls are better than boys at “masking” their symptoms; according to my neuropsych report, my “charming personality” helped with this). In clinical studies of children, the male to female diagnosis ratio is approximately 3 to 1. In adult populations, some studies show near-equal prevalence.

As students age and academics become more challenging, kids with ADHD tend to start falling behind. Girls with ADHD are often told they aren’t trying hard enough. They take that as an indictment on their intelligence and their work ethic. They might procrastinate, struggle to finish projects or seem unable to manage basic tasks. Many develop the belief that they’re failures who never lived up to their potential. ADHD is not only often mistaken as anxiety or depression, providers believe it often leads to anxiety and depression when it goes undiagnosed.

I did well in school, through a master’s degree, and then found professional success in a career full of novelty (and deadlines, which are great for those with my attentional predisposition). But I didn’t make it out unscathed. It turns out believing that your tendency to overthink, talk too fast and interrupt are character flaws—proof of a tactlessness that you’re just not disciplined enough to over --come, as opposed to traits baked into your neurobiology— isn’t great for your self esteem.

This brings me to what so few people seem to know about ADHD: It isn’t about a deficit of attention, it’s about your brain’s ability to regulate where your attention goes. You want to follow verbal instructions but your brain bounces to something else. You want to zip the pocket with your car key in it before you leave for a sixmile run in February in Colorado but your working memory is poor, so you lose the key, get locked out and have a brush with hypothermia. You know to turn the faucet in the bathroom off while rinsing out your swimsuit but something distracts you. That’s why there’s a pool of water collecting on the floor. You’re not some careless, aloof fool; your behavior at times just very closely resembles that of a careless, aloof fool.

There’s also overlap between ADHD and sensory sensitivity. Noises, lights, even the tag on your sweater can be uncomfortable or distracting. At brunch with my sister, I suddenly erupted about a nearby diner: “My God, that person’s texts are driving me insane! Why won’t they silence their phone?!” I couldn’t focus on our conversation amid the dinging. “Huh? she replied. She hadn’t noticed. Ding. “Oh that? Yeah, now I hear it.”ADHD minds could be thought of as like the inside of a pinball machine: the ball is darting around off flippers and bumpers. Neurotypical people are rolling a bowling ball down an alley.

The reward system of the ADHD brain is also screwy: boring tasks like the dishes, or returning a package at UPS, where there is always a line, can require herculean effort. Then there’s the emotional component—people with ADHD have a harder time regulating their feelings. Many of us suffer from cognitive impulsivity, or a difficulty with pausing. That might look like blurting things out or firing off a text that should be slept on. Rejection sensitivity is also linked to ADHD. That’s what ultimately tipped Jane off during our van ride.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve lost count of how many women I’ve met who found their diagnosis life-changing. Providers often recommend therapy, mindfulness, exercise, an executive functioning coach to help with organization and time management and, of course, medication (including stimulants). It’s that last one people tend to find the game-changer. Their lives are finally organized, their ability to focus manageable, their souls comforted knowing all along there was an explanation for their struggles.

My own experience didn’t look like that. I was devastated, ashamed even, to learn that my brain—the thing responsible for my intellect, which I pride myself on—was defective. I became determined to obliterate my ADHD out of existence (I failed hard and fast). As my attempts at behavioral modifications didn’t stick, I tried medication, hoping it would help me focus and calm my mind, turning me into one of those people who doesn’t lose it when she gets cut off in traffic. Med after med didn’t work.

But over time, my immunity to stimulant meds pretty much confirmed, something interesting happened: I started to believe maybe God was trying to tell me something. My brain is different in some ways that are good and some ways that are bad.

I’m responsible for managing the parts of my ADHD that negatively impact my life (like my overthinking or my struggle to pause). That work is hard and it’s ongoing.

But I’m coming around to the idea that I’m meant to be this way. Maybe instead of being endlessly distractible, I’m someone who notices everything. Maybe instead of being reactive, I tend to radiate authenticity. Or maybe… I swear I had another example, but I lost my train of thought. Forgive me, I really do have ADHD.

From 2020 to 2022, the diagnosis rate nearly doubled among women aged 23 to 49.